I hate writing this. But I feel I need to. Two words that should never go together are “pastor” and “suicide.” But sometimes they do. They did…recently. To a friend of mine.
I just returned from the funeral. I’m glad I went. I had hoped to find a neat, clear answer to the often-unanswerable question, “why?” But the pastor who officiated the memorial service (also a friend of mine) said, “mental health is complicated. Suicide is complicated.” He described it like a heart attack in the brain. Sudden. Shocking. Complicated.
This helped me understand that I may never know why it happened. But here’s what I do know. My friend was loved by so many. He was a wonderful leader. He loved life. He loved the outdoors. He had a significant impact on hundreds of church staff people that represent thousands of lives. He loved the Lord. He loved his family. He was awesome.
One of the themes of today’s service was honesty. So, we talked about it. (I don’t even like to type the word.) But we talked about suicide. Uncomfortable, but, in a way, helpful. It seemed the right thing to do. My friend who conducted the service said he’s come to the conclusion that there’s enough room in his theology to accept the fact that some things just plain suck. Suicide sucks. The painful aftermath left after suicide sucks.
Having been a pastor for a long time, and with the above thoughts in mind, I’d like to share with you four things you should know about pastors and mental health.
- Pastors are ordinary people
Many churchgoers think pastors are superheroes able to fix any problem, fight any battle and tackle any problem. They aren’t. They, like me, have regular fears, failings, and shortcomings just like anyone else.
- Pastors are under pressure
External pressure can come from leadership boards or well-meaning church members. Internal pressure can come from the insidious trap of comparison or ones own sense of doubt. Pastors often think, “I’m not good enough.”
- Pastors need our prayers
My friend’s 28-year-old son said he didn’t know what to tell the crowd of about 700 to do, in light of his father’s death. But he simply asked us to listen. So, listen to your pastor. Not only his sermons, but to him as a person. Pray for him. Not just his ministry, but his life, his marriage, his family, his mental health.
- Pastors need other people
My friends’ grieving widow challenged all of us. Speaking of the way her husband ended his life, she said, “pain is not meant to be alleviated. Pain is meant to be shared.” Pastors are lonely. They often feel they have no one to talk to. So, whether you’re a pastor or not, share your struggles with others. The Apostle James wrote “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16). Letting it out is part of the healing process.
I didn’t think I’d be, but I was inspired by today’s memorial service. Here’s what I’ve concluded from this tragedy. I’m going to care more and judge less. I’m going to listen more and preach less. I’m going to hug more and tweet less. I’m going to share more and worry less. I’m going to be more honest and do less navel-gazing. I’m going to forgive more and hold fewer grudges. I’m going to continue therapy and quit complaining (or try to anyway.)
Will you join me?
And please don’t let a tragedy like I’ve described be the motivation for doing these things. Just do them.