How To Appropriately Share Frustrations

Honesty. The Bible is clear about it. There are plenty of places in scripture where we read about the importance of truth and honesty. So, we should always be honest, right?

Well, yes…but it’s very important who we share our honest feelings with. And who we don’t.

I recently experienced a situation where someone shared their honest feelings of frustration, which is generally good, but they shared them with the wrong individuals. And it caused some harm.

So, this got me thinking. I know it’s important to be honest with our thoughts, feelings, frustrations and emotions, but there are some people we should share with, and others we shouldn’t. Here are my thoughts on who we should and shouldn’t share our frustrations with.

Where it’s OK to share frustrations:

  • God
    Duh! You can and should be able to tell God anything. The Apostle Peter said, “cast your anxiety on Him (God) for he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7 NIV). Paul encourages us to “pray about everything” (Philippians 4:6 NLT). It’s always safe to share honest emotions with God.
  • Pastor
    It’s typically OK to share frustrations with trustworthy pastors. We often go to pastors for confession and absolution. It’s their roll in ministry to remind you of God’s forgiveness through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus, and His amazing, boundless love for you.
  • Therapist
    I share lots with my therapist. Much like a pastor, it’s my therapist’s job to listen, not judge, and give wise advice. The therapy office is a safe place to share your stuff.
  • Supervisor
    Your boss is the appropriate person with which to share work frustrations. They typically have a broader perspective than you and might know things you don’t. If they’re a good boss, they’ll listen, and give valuable insight to help ease frustrations.
  • Mentor / Accountability Partner
    God placed trusted people in your life for a reason. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (NIV). Build those trusting accountability relationships. It’s wise, healthy for your soul and cheaper than therapy.

Where it’s not OK to share frustrations:

  • Work Subordinate
    Anyone below you on your company’s Org Chart should be kept from hearing your frustrations. A good supervisor handles workplace issues and stabilizes the work environment. But if the boss shares their frustrations with their employees, it only increases frustration, destabilizes the environment and rattles the workplace culture.
  • Spouse
    I know what you’re saying. “But my spouse is supposed to be my closest confidant. I should be able to tell them anything!” Yes, this is true. But I caution you to be very careful of how much detail you share with your spouse. Sharing feelings is valid. Sharing names and specifics borders on harmful gossip.
  • Volunteer
    As someone with over 35 years of ministry experience, and one who has made several mistakes along the way, never share your frustrations with volunteers. They look to you to boost their spirits. Sharing your frustrations only spreads discouragement.
  • Social Media
    Again, duh! Just don’t do it. I know it’s commonplace to be negative on social media, but it does no good. Resist the temptation to vent and to react with negative emotion. Getting into ideological debates over social media never changed anyone’s mind. It only leads to further negativity and frustration.

So, there you have it. Yes, sharing your frustrations and honest feelings with the right people is healthy for the soul. But sharing with the wrong people is destructive. So be wise. And if you lack wisdom, ask God. He will give it (James 1:5 NIV).

Pastor – Suicide

I hate writing this. But I feel I need to. Two words that should never go together are “pastor” and “suicide.” But sometimes they do. They did…recently. To a friend of mine.

I just returned from the funeral. I’m glad I went. I had hoped to find a neat, clear answer to the often-unanswerable question, “why?” But the pastor who officiated the memorial service (also a friend of mine) said, “mental health is complicated. Suicide is complicated.” He described it like a heart attack in the brain. Sudden. Shocking. Complicated.

This helped me understand that I may never know why it happened. But here’s what I do know. My friend was loved by so many. He was a wonderful leader. He loved life. He loved the outdoors. He had a significant impact on hundreds of church staff people that represent thousands of lives. He loved the Lord. He loved his family. He was awesome.

One of the themes of today’s service was honesty. So, we talked about it. (I don’t even like to type the word.) But we talked about suicide. Uncomfortable, but, in a way, helpful. It seemed the right thing to do. My friend who conducted the service said he’s come to the conclusion that there’s enough room in his theology to accept the fact that some things just plain suck. Suicide sucks. The painful aftermath left after suicide sucks. Continue reading

How To Increase Personal Productivity

Church Consultants, pastors, church elders, business leaders, parents, and students. What do they all have in common? They’re all busy.

We’re all given 168 hours in a week, but how we use that time determines our effectiveness. And I think it’s safe to suggest that we all want to be more effective, at our jobs, and in our relationships. With that in mind, here are 3 ways to increase personal productivity.

  1. Know the why

Every task has (or should have) a reason to do it. But often we get busy in projects and assignment not knowing why we are doing them. Maybe they’re just habits. Repetitive routines that we seldom think about. Or maybe it’s a task given by your boss. You figure it must have some purpose, but you don’t know what it is.

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Managing Change and Maintaining Stability in the New Year

It’s been said that the more things change, the more they stay the same. I’m not sure who said it and I’m not really sure what it means. But it does remind me that some things, in life and in ministry, always seem to be changing. And other things don’t change. They remain unmoved. They stay the same.

If we’re going to navigate the present and the future in a healthy way, it’s important to realize what things we can expect to change and embrace them with flexibility. And we should know what things are rock-solid, unchangeable realities, and tightly hold on to them with unshakable confidence. Here are a few thoughts about each.

Things that change:

Health
There’s no doubt that COVID-19 has affected us all. Either we’ve gotten it or someone we know and love has. Sadly, many have died. This pandemic has changed the way we think about staying healthy and the way we take care of ourselves.

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The Secret Ingredient To Your Success…That You Have No Control Over

Many people hold many jobs over a lifetime. Gone are the days when one graduated from college and moved into a lifelong career with a great company. According to a January 2018 report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average person changes jobs an average of 12 times during his or her career.

The same can be said of ministry positions in the church. It’s rare to see a Pastor’s whole ministry career lived out at one church. In fact, it’s quite common for church employees to move on from a church more than once. Whether a person moves on of their own volition or if they’re forced out, ministry job movement is a reality in our world.

Sometimes people move on based on poor performance. But more often it’s a chemistry thing. Getting along well with others is crucial in every work environment, including the church. So, the secret to maintaining a longer lasting career at a church or business is, you guessed it, chemistry.

Since on-the-job chemistry is so important, let’s dive a little deeper into this crucial, sometimes illusive relational component.

What is it?: A click

Chemistry is defined as the branch of science that deals with the identification of material substances and the investigation of their properties and the ways in which they interact, combine, and change.

Relational chemistry can be defined as the emotion that people get when they share a special connection. You’ve felt it. For whatever reason, you simply like a person. You click. Maybe it’s a coworker or a friend. Or maybe it’s a romantic interest. Oftentimes you can’t put your finger on why, it’s just there. Your relationship just works.

How to develop it: You can’t

Here’s the interesting part. You have very little (if any) control over relational chemistry. You can’t really develop it as you would develop a skill. Sure, you can try to be nice around people, but if there’s no click, it’s just not there. The relationship may remain cordial but will most likely never be close. It’s just the way it is.

I’ve had great relational chemistry with a wide variety of people. Folks who are very much like me, and folks who are quite different from me. And I’m not sure why that is. Chemistry seems to be very unpredictable. Continue reading

Recipe For Getting Better At Anything

It’s been said we only see 60% of ourselves. Turn your head to the side as far as it goes. You still can’t see your back. We all have blind spots. Weaknesses we’re not aware of. Other people see them but are sometimes hesitant to tell us about them. Telling the truth in love is difficult and risky, so important things often go unsaid.

As a result, we can remain unaware of our shortcomings. Businesses continue to produce sub-standard results. Relationships remain strained. Society accepts the status quo. Churches stay busy but don’t produce meaningful results. Things could be better, but because we lack awareness, they continue being sub-par.

We all need help. We may not like to admit it but it’s true. Whether it’s in interpersonal relationships, technical skills, physical well-being or business principles, asking for and receiving help is vital to maintain health. Thank goodness for experts. Counselors, teachers, advisors, personal trainers, and consultants all specialize in assessing specific situations and helping make things better.

Every successful outcome needs the right components. When my wife makes chocolate chip cookies, she adds the right ingredients, uses her baking skills, and produces delicious results. These cookies are amazing. The same is true in making anything that’s good. Here are seven steps to improving anything and the key ingredient to each step.

Assessing Your Current Reality
They say you don’t know what you don’t know. So, seeing a clear and accurate picture of your current reality is the first step in getting better. The key ingredient here is the value of continuous improvement. Genuinely seeking to get better is the foundation on which the improvement process is built.

Realizing There’s An Issue
Once you’ve assessed the reality of your situation, there will always be at least one area that needs to get better. There may be more but it’s good to focus only on the major issue. The key ingredient here is emotional intelligence, which is the ability to see and appropriately respond to the reality that is going on around you. In other words, you need to possess the maturity to be aware of your issues. Continue reading

Ten Steps To Continuous Improvement

Have you ever walked into a local business and seen something that lacks professionalism? Then did you ask yourself, I wonder why they don’t improve that? Ever shown up at work, noticed an established process and thought, why do we do it this way?

If so, you may have a maximizer strength like me. I’m always seeing things that could be better. Some call it the spiritual gift of criticism so I always try to put a positive spin on it.

My church has a staff value of “Make It Better.” They are continually in the process of dreaming, creating, implementing, observing, and making improvements.

If you’re always evaluating present realities, envisioning improvements and coming up with ideas on how to make it better, consider incorporating these ten steps of the continuous improvement cycle.

Idea
Everything ever invented, designed or created began with an idea. Ideas usually originate from a problem. Someone notices a problem and they say, wouldn’t it be great if… An idea is the first step in the continuous improvement cycle.

Plan
Someone said an idea without a plan is just a daydream. Ideas need plans before they can progress and become something more. Plans are extremely important. They can take time. But a well thought out plan is crucial for continuous improvement.

Prepare
Once the plan has been completed, you may be tempted to move right into implementation. But before that, you need to prepare. Preparation is a key step in the process. Prepare yourself. Prepare your audience. Prepare those this plan will affect. Preparation will help the execution go smoothly. Continue reading

The Key to Improving Boss / Employee Relations

Have you ever been in a work environment where you’ve had issues with your supervisor? Ever had disagreements with your boss? If you’re like most people, you probably have. Many factors can contribute to an uneasy work environment, but the most common is the employee / boss relationship.

In his book, The Truth About Employee Engagement, author and consultant Patrick Lencioni says there are three signs of a miserable job. 1. Anonymity – People cannot be fulfilled in their work if they are not known. 2. Irrelevance – Everyone needs to know that their job matters. 3. Immeasurement – Employees need to be able to gauge their progress and their level of contribution to the organization.

These three factors all relate to the employee / boss relationship. If your boss doesn’t really know you, if he doesn’t let you know you matter, if she doesn’t give you goals and guidelines by which to measure your work, you’ll most likely end up miserable.

Striving for a good relationship with your boss is vital if you’re going to be successful at work. And maintaining that relationship is directly related to how long you will stay employed.

Having worked for lots of bosses in my ministry career, I’ve found the key to keeping a great relationship with your boss. It’s just one word. “Distance.”

Physical Distance
The key question is, how close is your office to your bosses? I have a friend whose boss works in a different state, 400 miles away. Needless to say, this causes issues. I’ve worked in a large, church facility that had four different office locations in four different parts of the building. Again, this led to issues. If you’re in a multisite environment, your boss may be in a different building in a different part of town. While some of these issues can be worked through, suffice it to say the less physical distance between your office and your bosses, the better. Continue reading

How To Fail Forward

For years I’ve pondered an interesting question. If I wrote a book called How to Fail, and it became a best-seller, would that be a good thing?

In today’s world, there seems to be a subconscious, relentless drive toward being successful. There are countless conferences, books and podcasts on the topic of attaining success in our work, family and social life. But there aren’t a lot of resources on failure. Who wants to be a failure, right?

No one wants to be a failure. But failure is a reality that most people will face at one point in their lives. The truth is, even though I strive for success in all I do, I’ve met just as much failure, if not more. I’ve struggled with the “f” word (failure) in my work, ministry, and relationships. And since labeling oneself a failure can have damaging emotional effects, I want to give some hope and shed some light on the topic. Below are three thoughts to keep in mind about failure.

Failure is an event, not a person

When failure happens, it’s easy to take the blame. I was raised to own up to my responsibilities and take ownership regardless of the results. But when we do that, we can often label ourselves as a failure. We need to remember that failure is an event, not a person.

Being firmly rooted in your identity in Christ is crucial as you work through failure. Your mind can easily tell you, “You’re a loser. You don’t deserve to succeed. You’re a failure.” But contrast those thoughts with the truth of scripture that says you are chosen by God. You are dearly loved. You’re a redeemed child of God (1 Peter 2:9, Colossians 3:12, Ephesians 2:1-5). Continue reading

4 Foundational Scriptures For Doing Life Together

Many churches today have an emphasis on small groups. I’ve been involved in small groups, and have passionately promoted them in ministry since 1988. While strategies have changed over the years, some things that remain the same are the need for doing life together and the scriptures that clearly demonstrate this reality. Here are four foundational scriptures that promote Biblical community, and why it’s vital for Christ followers to do life together.

Creation – Genesis 1-2
In the beginning, after each day of creation, God said, “It is good.” And after the sixth day, when he created humankind, he said, “It is very good.” But then God said something remarkable. He said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Wait…what? When God and Adam enjoyed perfect harmony together in a world unspoiled by sin, when everything was “very good”, God said something was “not good”?

God knew that deep down inside every human being was the need for intimate, mutually satisfying relationships. The animals God had created weren’t going to suffice. Adam needed something more. So God created Eve and instituted human relationships.

The book of Genesis tells us that humans were created in God’s image. God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…” (Genesis 1:27). Ever wonder who God was talking to? God, by nature, is Trinity. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. God’s very nature is relational. And since we were created in his image, we were made to be in relationships! Continue reading